the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Best friends brother. Beat that.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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