just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this will be a night to untag.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
