in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize