You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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