Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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