The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
