Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
