This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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