I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
