My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
