His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize