Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
