I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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