i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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