Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
