I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
