i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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