She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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