my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The chlamydia really affected his face.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
