my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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