He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
