theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
