can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
