i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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