Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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