All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
