I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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