At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
