apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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