WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
