theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
What drink are we having for lunch?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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