dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
my liver is dry heaving
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
