I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
