Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
