I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
