jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
