walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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