Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
