Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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