My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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