At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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