i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize