she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
