never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
