At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
