Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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