You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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