So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
