And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
