Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
