i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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