If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
