Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize