You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
