when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
