She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
