saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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