covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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