Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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