Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
