News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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